SORRY GOD BUT WE NEED TO CHAT


WARNING: Absurdist blasphemous rant. (I’m not actually anti-religion for the record)

Not sure why Allah currently seems to get more insulted than other deities if we call Him a homophobic misogynistic jealous spiteful sadistic pedophile-protecting scientifically-ignorant-about-the-universe-He-created murderous myopic patriarchal capricious frick-tard.
I know you’re testing us O Great One but I’ve studied all the religions and I’ve obviously failed you because I have absolutely no idea which interpretation of you is most correct! Most people are obviously confused as well because they usually just go along with their parents’ religion or even reject your existence entirely and call themselves militant atheists; as if they would have a hope of fighting your immense power!
Not shown but should be for balance: Militant Americans
My advice to you God, if I may be so bold, is at your next job performance appraisal, you ask your boss for some ideas on how to encourage more people to believe in you as you actually are, rather than obvious human fabrications. I want to get to know the Real God. 
Is this the real God?
Your boss, Xaxo, the creator of the Multi-Metaverse, will I’m sure have lots of experience with this problem as she presides over an infinite number of universes with an infinite number of gods and has surely had to deal with this problem an infinite number of times before.

And please don’t embarrass yourself like you did in one of your previous appraisals when you broke down in angel tears and pleaded to your boss to let you start over again because you’d made such a mess of humanity. 

She meant it when she said, “NO MORE GREAT FLOODS!”, after the Noah incident. You don’t just get to reset humanity this time around, O Holy & Merciful One!

Troll me under a bridge, you sexy oaf.

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