TOM CRUISE MUST DIE (the myth not the biological engram)

GLOBAL WARNING DANGER WILL ROBINSON*

Thank God this patient can’t read my mind!
I was thinking about coming up with a long contrarian rant to balance out the positive rationality in the linked article above. But who could actually disagree with Aaron’s argument?

How about the type of politicians that have the attitude of: ‘sounds good sure, but it won’t get me votes, so let ’em’ suffer?’ Even they would never actually say on record that they don’t care about mental health; so you’d have to try and intrude on a private conversation with a politician using a super-stealth boom microphone.
Invisible boom microphone…

To channel someone who would trash the article, I would have to pretend to be the worst kind of MEST conquering Scientologist; ie Tom Cruise. My contrarian argument would then be:

“Those that are labelled as mentally ill by the Nazi psychiatrists actually have too many Thetans blocking their ‘money’ audits. So cut the government mental health budget in half and give it to the ‘Church of Scientology’. As an added perk, part of the money, along with some mile-high Qantas cash, will help fund a new Jet for John Travolta. (a new child, not a new plane)


Those that don’t come for a free e-meter reading, then sign up to give most of their money to reach clear level ‘Maverick’ will, unfortunately, not get all the benefits. It will only be a matter of time though when even these people will accept the gift of Dianetics by the founder of the Church, Old L Mother Hubbard. This will open them up to the Truth and they will start to charge the Battlefield Earth to total clarity.”

That’s the best counter-argument I can come up. I’m sure that someone else could do better but they wouldn’t include a deeply cruel and offensive joke about John Trevolting’s dead son. Sorry! If you think you’re life is tough, spare a thought for those stuck in the Scientology retro DC-8 sci-fi cult. They are not only persecuted but also laughed at about their beliefs by conformist tyrants like me.

Can I conclude with a serious point? How in Xenu’s name have I got myself in the position of talking about Scientologists when I was supposed to be plugging an article about Australia’s mental health budget? Sorry, but back to some more Cruisy couch jumping for joy:


Think for a moment about what life must be like for the brainwashed rank-and-file in Hubbard’s smothered cupboard. I would imagine that de-programming these people would require some seriously dedicated mental health professionals. Then maybe these victims can turn to healthier world-views such as the newer ‘X files, Matrix and Heaven’s Gate-inspired’ cults whose followers believe that the world is a simulated virtual reality powered by an optical quantum super-string computer and we can all, with the aid of magical mushroom technology, communicate with the Rigellian fleet to make hybrid ‘look-who’s-talking’ babies by inserting probes up Hollyweird celebrities.

Whoa! The tin foil anorak wearing smurfs were right?
I ridicule the newer space-cake cults for their comical implausibility, but they are so much more believable, and I would even say safer, than L Ron’s galactic love shack B-52s and sexually repressed Ethan Hunts. Much of the ‘we live in a Matrix’ stuff has a non-zero probability of being the Truth in my opinion. And it is much cooler than believing that super-advanced aliens use hydrogen bombs and fly airplanes.

So, for any Scientologists out there, I can hook you up with ‘people’ who will gladly donate their time to teach you about ‘the way of Marshall Amped-up Dough Applebread, K-Neo-Noo & Fox network sex addict Mulder’.

Warning*: do not read article if you are triggered by the following: Ghandi, psychology, mental health, contrarianism, V8 supercars, cost-conscious and vote-seeking politicians, extremism, Scientology, Thetans, chakras, Qantas, John and Neo-Jet Travolta, e-meters, Top Gun, Dianetics, Nursery Rhymes, Truth, Wahlburgers, conformists, tyrants, Xenu, X-files, the Matrix, Rigellians, cults, Mission Impossible, the New World Order and Donny Loves Jenny.

*Warning about warning**: do not read warning or article if offended by abrasive dishumour. If you think that Joan Rivers is better off dead for her hurtful Holocaust jokes, then you probably won’t like my joke in the article about raping Bill Cosby.

**Warning about warning about warning***: stop reading and go back to liking vaguely positive posts about sunshine and rainbows that make you feel good for about 2 seconds before you go back to realising that all the hopes and dreams that you had have evaporated before your eyes and you are alone; except for your 2 cats Misty and Mr Jingles who treat you worse than your ex did but you love them because your unconscious mind revels in being a victim.

***Warning about warning about warning about warning: Don’t read warning about warning about warning as TRIGGER ALERT for victim blaming.

Disclaimer: The author of the linked article and I have known each other for something like 25 years. I can’t think of any major clash of world-view type debates between us. So I blame the ‘argument from mate I went to school with’ logical fallacy for my uncritical opinion about his fantastic article.

Troll me under a bridge, you sexy oaf.

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