MY ARTICLES PUBLISHED ELSEWHERE IN CYBER-ZOMBIE HELL

As I continue to rise in the ranks of the greatest Internet writers of the swinging, roaring teens, I will show my appreciation to where it all started: on this blog. All my million dollar articles will be linked to from here. There was once a time, not so long ago, when my articles didn’t receive the accolades and escalades they deserved. But I persevered and cannot thank enough the six billion beautiful and unique hail stones who have been pelted by my quantum psychic powers.

Profile on Siren Empire

“His sense of humour reminds us of the late great authors, Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett. An existentialist vein runs through his work which to the untrained eye might appear eccentric, however, his approach to life is one where humour cuts through the layers to the quick, as he pursues a better life and better world in which to live it.” 

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My Sims doppelganger

Finding humanity through mental illness

“My name is Dave Chaffey (Sims avatar Chesty McBigguns) and I’m mentally ill. It’s midday and I’m about to go back to bed. I haven’t worked for over a year now…” 

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Magda Szubanski V dud diets

“We’ll never know the details of the contracts between Jenny and Magda, but let’s guess the golden quinoa salad handcuffs were worth around a million dollars. Dare I say it, but if one million dollars isn’t enough of a healthy carrot for an adored member of our society then can we hypothesise that Jenny’s lifestyle program is most likely not going to work in the long term for the rest of us either?” 

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Seven ways to cope with death

“How do we cope with the death of our loved ones? It is so painful for most of us; yet we can’t endlessly mourn. In Victorian England and many other cultures, there was a set mourning period and after that it was time to move on. (The term ‘black widow’ perfectly combines the fear of death, gynophobia and Victorian mourning attire.) In secular society, we don’t seem to have any consistent rules or guidelines at all. This is good in that it allows for individual freedom of expression. Yet some of us struggle with how we should do the death aftermath thing.” 

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Being alive is OK

“Is our “joy of living” somehow intrinsically preferable to a ‘misery of non-existence?’ You may feel no compulsion to stare into the void. Even many who are not religious have long ago come to the conclusion that such questions are likely unanswerable or just pointless thought experiments for the great philosophers, like Hazel Barnes and Suzy Kassem, to philosophise about while stroking their beards and smoking their pipes.” 

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Goop, sliding doors & me

“Are you a person of faith? The truly blessed in this world are Goop-aholics who gleefully worship Gwyneth Paltrow. Sometimes I wonder whether I might be happier and more successful if I believed in steaming my GMO-free vagina and eating organic macrobiotic llama droppings. Unfortunately for me, I consciously uncoupled from all unfalsifiable belief structures long ago.” 

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Mental Health awareness

“In Australia, we’re possibly mid-journey between demonising mentally ill people and treating people with dignity by providing all the support services necessary. We have recognized the issue on many levels including financial impact to society and we actively promote awareness campaigns like World Mental Health Day, Mental Health Week and Mental Health 12 Parsecs. Important policy changes are also being carefully considered by our glorious thought leaders. This is all great and we have made a lot more progress than most other countries, but many individuals wonder what small things they can do. Here are my suggestions:”

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Procrastination part 1

“What is the most important thing you should be doing right now? Disinfecting your biohazardous child? Reciting your daily reality show celebrity worship syndrome mantras? Writing a teenage misandry poem about how all men should be ‘milked’ and replaced with sperm banks? Why aren’t you doing that instead of reading this article? Off you go! I can wait…”

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Procrastination part 2

“House decluttering is beyond me and many other people so serves as a good example for explaining my procrastination hurdles. If it weren’t for my wife and her friends and family, I would be living in squalor worse than Howard Hughes was when he collected his excreta in bottles and sung Michael Jackson’s Bubbles the Chimp lullabies. When house decluttering is happening around me, I often hide in bed and don’t help. I’m frozen like Olaf at the starting blocks and can’t even take the first step. I feel like the Aussie Rules Football player Adam Goodes being booed by a hateful crowd and trolled by Andrew Bolt the pale-skinned racist except it’s all just happening in my maru maru mori mori moribund brain.”

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Everyone looks white through my patented glasses

Troll me under a bridge, you sexy oaf.

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