FREE WILL OF MISFORTUNE PART 3


Previously in Part 1 and Part 2, Arthur Herbert ‘The Fonz’ Fonzarelli murdered the bisexual whistle-blower Charles ‘Chuck’ Cunningham in order to bury his allegations about the Cunningham’s f*ggot-flaying Fridays and thus ingratiated himself into the family for Christmas. Fonzie’s catchphrase, “ayyyy, sit on it,” was screamed to brutal effect in the greatest ass-to-mouth impalement scene ever filmed for television in front of a live audience.

Back in the good ol’ days…

As our dead grandparents still decry in our dreams, the 1950’s were happier days when honour and vengeance killing snuff-tertainment provided: 

1. Speedy justice as resurrected by The School Of Fearless Taylor Swift: Twitter Warrior 

(Swift’s greatest KO was: “Maybe one of the men took your slot,” which deflated Nicki Minaj’s Anaconda for good)

2. The sparks to keep the pant fires burning and the population breeding by eggs-ulted decree of The Catholic Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Easter Bunny Rabbits

3. A boost of camaraderie between fellow wife-beating Stone-Cold thrower killers called Steve.

But we live in 2015 and the times they are a-changed faster than Bob Dylan could murble along to and keep up with. While this left a political musical power vacuum for vacuous acts like Radiohead and Dyson, it has also opened up the possibility to try out new things like making non-fatal choking illegal; even when the perpetrator maintained that they deserved it.

Crime and punishment aren’t so easy to understand anymore as we no longer like simple solutions to complex problems. These days, if I gutter-stomp you for leering at my wife, bizarrely, I’m the one that will be punished. And stranger still, we often seem to care more about the perpetrators than the victims; even if the perps commit unspeakable crimes like flashing their knee-slappers at tween boys as a misguided feminist free-the-ptosis-nipple political statement that inevitably gives the victims PTSD (Pendulous Tata Shock Disorder).

As used by immoral surgeons to convince 99% of women that they don’t have ‘normal’ breasts 

Returning to the protagonist of this Wobbegong Shark Tale, how can we solve a problem like Sister Maria Sharon Von Datsun constantly prancing through the hills and being criminally negligent of her wifely duties to Jesus Christ’s crotch crucifix? In the good ol’ days, the sinister old priest (who was also a part-time children’s entertainer) would have come in to privately teach her a lesson ensuring that Sharon would never again be entered simultaneously by the father, son and holy ghost. Back then, everyone would have agreed that this punishment was fair. But not today’s Anti-Grope-Pope. Francis has even eradicated the time-honoured tradition of The Vatican Bed-Chamber Kneeling Boys started by Pope Julius III in 1551.


Despite all this, we humans are Bobo T Chimp Detectives after all, and there is still a consensus that something should be done to Sharon Von Datsun and Sharon Stone to restore balance to The Schwartz; but this base desire has been diluted down to some kind of punishment that only causes mild nausea and nihilistic thoughts; similar to those experienced when watching the taboo-smashing episode of the TV show Friends called ‘The One With Ross And Monica’s Cousin’.

Personally, part of me would love to see Ms 120Y punished by forcing her to parade around a union-run building site holding a sign which says on the front, “I’m a dirty thief. Now it’s your turn to steal my triple-irrumatio-virginity’ and on the back says, ‘For those who aren’t scholars of ancient Roman sexuality, irrumatio means skull-f*cking.’ I’m pretty sure that after that kind of experience, most people would keep on the straighten arrow. I can say with confidence that with some trial and error, and a few unfortunate and messy but necessary accidents, we should be able to find effective, degrading punishments for all wrong-doers; especially all those responsible for the upcoming animated movie Toy Story 4.

Mr Potato Head gets replaced by Mr Banana Head in Toy Story 4

Soft serves of punishment?

Don’t taser-troll me, bro. I understand that such effective punishment techniques are no longer considered ethical. We must not forget, however, that the eye-for-an-eye paradigm has only been deemed ghastly since we all saw the scene in Police Academy 4 where Mahoney and Sharon Stone discussed the ethics of citizen crime prevention while Bobcat Goldthwait kissed a goldfish. This set the ovaries in motion to where we are today; where many focus their attention on the crims and practise rehabilitation techniques shown to be effective on mice such as quantum-vibration tone-bones, Reiki electrode deep-brain theta-wave massage and aura-expanding zeroth P-state entanglement with the Universal Fortean consciousness.

Regardless, we can probably all agree that if a magic lez-botion can be brewed up by legitimate Princess Dianic Wiccans that would cure the Baroness’ kleptomania and GVS (grating voice syndrome), we would be happy with no punishment as she would not re-offend and would stop texting while driving. A small minority will still maintain that they don’t care whether revenge makes any positive difference or is even directed at the correct person; it just makes toothless bogans from Reclaim Australia feel justified in planning out their final solution of face-tattooing everyone with details of their ethnic background and their Holden Commodore history testing score and burn-out rating.

You’re not welcome in my country if you can’t name this car

But for now, the hippies have won and I too have reluctantly joined their side in order to blend in. I’ve even grown to enjoy the abhorrent soap-dodging smell and gnarled crystal blessing sticks. Our brutal retribution fantasy trolling has been waning anyway, and almost none of us are still Conan the Barbarian types crushing our neighbour enemies who let their Jellicle cats reenact the the fight scenes from the dumb feline musical every night at 3am.


There is a new way to reform those not On Golden Path driving On Golden Prius to On Golden Pond.  After an intense sweat lodge and underarm-sniffing healing ceremony, the rankest elder hippies in my commune reluctantly agreed that a tiny nick of a Chelsea Smile of punishment is required in some circumstances as long as it’s added to the energizing cosmic gifts of separation, positive reinforcement and the wisdom of Microsoft Clippy: “Hello Dave. It looks like you’re trying to reform a criminal. Would you like help with positive reinforcement techniques that don’t leave marks or bruises?”

It’s clear to all except for Dr Drew, Death Medicine Woman, that traditional celebrity drug rehabilitation reality TV shows have a body count higher than the put-to-sleep TV show Luck; but we care more about horses than has-been celebrities. Same goes for traditional rehabilitation in correctional facilities before the people with criminality disorders are let out. It’s like rationalising with a two-year-old about the dangers of stuffing Lego up her nose and believing that she understands when she parrots your words back to you, then being shocked when she relapses in 3 minutes; but this time with a 4×2 Duplo piece requiring a Cesarean-nasal-section to remove. Much better to separate the kids from their Lego cocaine and give them a painless shock and smack talk to enhance the learning experience, followed by McHappiness positive reinforcement a week later when you let the monster with pink bows in her hair play with Lego again with nose-plugs in and they don’t stick any up any other orifices.


To give some examples from the war of the flowers that look like female genitalia: A white-widow husband-murderer should be imprisoned to separate her from society and punish her in that she couldn’t enjoy man-tertainment followed by man-tertaining murder-tainment within prison. Obviously no butch male or female prison guards would be allowed within ten metres of her vagina dentate initially; but with positive reinforcement treats for non-violent romantic interactions, she could slowly be weened back on exkillerkougars.com. 

If she was a bitter beer-battered wife, however, whose life was being threatened, she would probably get off and her case would only need to be reconsidered if she shacked up with another misogynistic munt. There’s a spectrum between these two extremes and it’s up to Law & Order: male emasculation unit, to dole out the combination of punishment, separation and positive reinforcement that is deemed most beneficial to all. Even someone trapped in the criminal cesspool of human emotions gone sour that is breakfast TV inspired by Katie Couric’s triple-threat colon polyps could be steered away from a head-on collision with a Smuckers Jam truck driven by Williard Scott with his harem of centenarian hotties in back and into the calm waters of life-affirming documentaries celebrating the healing power of iconic bridges.

Williard Scott’s harem leader and former mistress to Reinhard Heydrich

To be finished off for good in part 4

Troll me under a bridge, you sexy oaf.

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