FREE WILL OF MISFORTUNE PART 4

Previously in Parts 1, 2, 3 and Episode 7: The Fraud Awakens, I discussed the pros and cons of using the Presonus Studio One digital audio workstation to produce noise music about evidence-based crone-titlement minimisation.

Psychic Sally even tries to use awkwardness to coerce her subjects into breaking the tension by playing along with her embarrassing guesses. See here for other common techniques used by Brett Butler from Grace Under Fire who now gives psychic readings.

Don’t look the Baroness directly in any of her eyes and don’t mention anything about the irony of her seeing psychics yet none of them saw her impending arrest coming

To return again for the last time ever to the scene of the Great Kmart Heist of 2015 and the perspicacious criminal mastermind, Baroness Sharon Von Datsun, my psychic prediction is that re-offence is reasonably likely now that she’s got a taste of the pure high one gets from sticking it to the man and licking it up with the outlaw bikie gang: ‘Defrauding Dykes on Snatched Bikes’. As such, I would recommend some kind of wonderful amercement to attempt to curb her enthusiasm for beating off the system with sandpaper.

Whether the Baroness has no free will or only a limited amount, as discussed in part 2doesn’t affect my opinion on how we can keep the global average menopausal temperature rise to less than two degrees above that of pre-second-wave feminism. And it also doesn’t affect how we go about breaking the girl.

Stormtroopers assembling to strike over the Empire’s disregard for workplace health and safety, equal opportunity employment, mental health safe spaces, their unwillingness to invest in basic blaster training and their ineptitude at winning the war of ideas for those at risk of becoming terrorists in the Rebel Alliance

Moral Health Check

Firstly, I would command Sharon to go to an amateur doctor for an unsubsidised preliminary physical, mental and Criminal Minds Suspect Behavior health check-up. She would then be referred to a more qualified backyard chop shop doctor as required. If she was found to have a clocktower brain tumour or chronic compassion fatigue syndrome, punitive measures would be modified accordingly but as long as she remains out of an institution, some combination of punishment, separation and reinforcement would still be required before she could be trusted to handle my precious merchandise if I was going to be her future disgusting employer.

Pun-ishment Pun-itentiary

Secondly, as punishment, she should be ordered to prostrate, apologise and pay reparations to all the corporate, silicone-based and carbon-based victims, including $500 to my wife for the extra seizures she had due to the stress of trying to spit some drops of disinfectant into her feculent ocean only to be yelled at to play two coked-up girls one cup. We know that fines are problematic when the crim has no ability to pay, but Shazza can easily use her wiles to legally raise some funds by raising some tent poles at the twilight alternative lifestyle markets. I would also order that a compulsory donation of $5000 be paid to the crime prevention slush fund. In her case this money would be spent on raising awareness to the industry of the loophole that she discovered removing the temptation for other morally deficient individuals.

Community work is also a must in my opinion to massage her flaccid empathy lobe into vigorous action. The best thing for her could be a one-month total life swap with a Bangladeshi migrant sex worker who has to turn twenty tricks a day with Johns who know they can get away with anything or be reported to the authorities by her pimp and deported. Once the life swap is complete, she’ll free the new Australian from sexual servitude, take her in and support her until she can convince the authorities that her foreign medical degree and experience are good enough for her to practise pediatric oncology in Australia.

If this doesn’t get her back to the moral and lovely person she once was then nothing will.

See Rachel Ray’s website for recipe ideas that all your family will love

Separate From Lifting

As for the third kick in the butt, separation, I would ban her from working in the industry that she scammed for two years and also ban her from entering those establishments as a customer unless she is shackled and accompanied by her re-education supervisor, who has her finger on the trigger for the kill switch that would be implanted into her sinister ganking hands. One wrong move and her arms will be paralysed for a week forcing her to wipe her butt with her toes. If, however, she somehow manages to resist the urge for the entire period, then she can be slowly reintroduced back into the wild with her supervisor remotely surveilling her from the comfort of her Old Bat Cave.

Third Rail Training

The fourth and last prod is positive reinforcement. I would order her to attend weekly criminal dog obedience classes where her trainer will give her Kong Stuffn Ziggues treats in exchange for her demonstrating the skills she is taught that will allow her to go back to living in harmony with other animals. The minimum skills she needs to be taught are: no dry humping the neighbourhood children, no growling at people from Middle Zealand, no ankle biting and digging up dirt on more scrupulous individuals, no begging for money to get her nails clipped and, most importantly, paying for items rather than hitting up the sweet klepto-mania.

Too small a package

So let us compare my recommendations to our current justice system. The magistrate will likely go with some mild Lohan punishment options only. The other measures I’ve proposed aren’t currently available for most crimes and are possibly cost prohibitive, but my point is that we seem to have a major short-coming in the system that assumes people will choose to go straight with only a light spanking; this is a Major Short-Cumming that sometimes seems more obscene to me than a drug-fueled 4 foot 9 inch Grant Denyer in a little German Wehrmacht uniform banging the bosh to erotic films of little people being mounted by My Little Ponies. Survey says: offensively cute.

More separation-from-temptation pie, positive-reinforcement stew and creative-punishment trifle dishes should be added to the punishment menu to make for a more well-rounded justice restaurant. New meals should always be served on a trial basis with a robust feedback system to determine if they help to make society safer, more prosperous and less prone to finding entertainment value from morally reprehensible ‘zany’ radio hosts who make prank calls which end in suicide

Note that separation is currently used for bogan drink-driving offenses because losing one’s license, as well as being punishment, is separating the bogan from his Martin Riggs Lethal Weapon monster ‘dysfunctional c*nt‘ truck able to maim children more effectively than the average Pakistani ‘bring a Taliban militant to school’ day.

“You want to get out of your 30 year marriage? You talk to me.”

Has license suspension reduced the deaths resulting from drink driving and beer jug car surfing? Almost certainly. It appears to me to be the fear of not being able to hoon and losing prestigious bogan cred that seems to be more effective than anything else. They may claim that they were just unlucky and they won’t get caught ever again after they sat on the beach drinking rocket fuel and a carton of VB, then drove their Holden LH Toranas at 200km/h down the Gold Coast highway and Pied Piper whistled to other bogans who joined in like they were Jackie Chan and Sammy Davis Jr from the movie Cannonball Run. But behind the bogan bravado is a deep-seated fear of catching the bus and bringing great shame to their 5th generation bogan families whose ancestors arrived in Australia with nothing but 4 jerrycans of petrol and Bruce Spence.


(Video and link removed as trigger warning was insufficient to ensure no one with Post Tin lids Stress Disorder PTSD would relapse) 

The Tin Lids could happen to you too if back in the day you drank a bottle of cocaine-spiced vodka during every performance of the quintessential Aussie bogan anthems

This is the end, beautiful ex-friend, the end of laughter and soft lies

So where does this overly long essay about unrequited love, silicone-based lubricant and tear-jerking lasciviousness leave us? Should we give an Uncle Buck about free will and its consequences for crime, punishment and the Armenian way of seducing and destroying black men? There’s always a tiny chance I could be wrong, but I think at least some of us should be regularly thinking about these issues in a philosophy isolation float tank filled with honey and Hemsworth brothers. I now have over 300 tank hours with eldest brother Luke and I’m even more certain that we must all ditch the cheesy David Twaterfield illusion that we can fully choose to be Oprah-loaded, Oprah-skinny and Oprah-sexually attractive to Gayle King if we just believe hard enough in the Secret Law Of Attraction: ‘Lick Attracts Lick’.

It is possible and I am hopeful that we have some degree of limited free will through some Quantum of Boris Karloff Solace weird brain process that we don’t yet have any idea about. This would mesh nicely with how most of the peacenick voices in my head think humanity should operate: far less afraid of the Nigerian terrorist group Procol Harum and mostly free from guilt over the one time that our Peter Parkers gave in to Aunt May’s advances while Uncle Ben pretended to snore away in the next room.

Chris, Liam and Luke Hemsworth

Even if we can’t all reach a consensus spectrum of views on free will, the criminal justice system should think Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger about innovative ways to sentence crimes and back it up by collecting evidence and slowly honing the system into a Travis ‘T-Train’ Marx of mixed martial justice. In the case of Baroness Sharon Von Datsun vs her former employer, I find the defendant guilty of 2rd degree corporate belligerence and she shouldn’t fry for her spry fraud crime spree, she should be paddled and fined as a mild low-sud deterrent after a full tits-to-bottom health check. But that is not enough and she should also be given positive reinforcement whistle training after being separated from temptation; knowing full well her brain may rebel.


That should have been the end, but, actually, forget everything I’ve just written. I apologize for wasting your time with too many jokes insinuating that I am ashamed yet excited that I’m way more attracted to Sharon since she donned her new bad girl image. Please believe me that even my Bob Crane Crazy Train Shame persona wouldn’t touch her with Sargent Schultz’ little Wilhelm Klink. 

Whether she has no free will or limited free will or just not enough Leaping Willy in her life, the compassionate hippie formally known as me just can’t help but think she has gone the way of ‘Old Yeller’ and I won’t hesitate any longer. I’ll do the right thing and go and get my go-to-doggie-heaven rifle to mercifully free her from her rabies. And unlike Beatrix Kiddo, let’s hope she can’t one-inch punch her way to freedom from six feet under, then seek revenge on all of us for our alleged mistreatment of her.

Farewell Baroness. Find peace.

“At this moment, this is me at my most masochistic.”

References:

Dr Karl good audio summary on free will: 
http://www.abc.net.au/science/articles/2013/03/27/3724727.htm

Great Courses free will and determinism lecture series: (paid content)

Michael Richards’ N-word rant:
https://youtu.be/BoLPLsQbdt0

Troll me under a bridge, you sexy oaf.

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