Don’t look the Baroness directly in any of her eyes and don’t mention anything about the irony of her seeing psychics yet none of them saw her impending arrest coming
Whether the Baroness has no free will or only a limited amount, as discussed in part 2, doesn’t affect my opinion on how we can keep the global average menopausal temperature rise to less than two degrees above that of pre-second-wave feminism. And it also doesn’t affect how we go about breaking the girl.
Moral Health Check
Firstly, I would command Sharon to go to an amateur doctor for an unsubsidised preliminary physical, mental and Criminal Minds Suspect Behavior health check-up. She would then be referred to a more qualified backyard chop shop doctor as required. If she was found to have a clocktower brain tumour or chronic compassion fatigue syndrome, punitive measures would be modified accordingly but as long as she remains out of an institution, some combination of punishment, separation and reinforcement would still be required before she could be trusted to handle my precious merchandise if I was going to be her future disgusting employer.
Secondly, as punishment, she should be ordered to prostrate, apologise and pay reparations to all the corporate, silicone-based and carbon-based victims, including $500 to my wife for the extra seizures she had due to the stress of trying to spit some drops of disinfectant into her feculent ocean only to be yelled at to play two coked-up girls one cup. We know that fines are problematic when the crim has no ability to pay, but Shazza can easily use her wiles to legally raise some funds by raising some tent poles at the twilight alternative lifestyle markets. I would also order that a compulsory donation of $5000 be paid to the crime prevention slush fund. In her case this money would be spent on raising awareness to the industry of the loophole that she discovered removing the temptation for other morally deficient individuals.
Community work is also a must in my opinion to massage her flaccid empathy lobe into vigorous action. The best thing for her could be a one-month total life swap with a Bangladeshi migrant sex worker who has to turn twenty tricks a day with Johns who know they can get away with anything or be reported to the authorities by her pimp and deported. Once the life swap is complete, she’ll free the new Australian from sexual servitude, take her in and support her until she can convince the authorities that her foreign medical degree and experience are good enough for her to practise pediatric oncology in Australia.
If this doesn’t get her back to the moral and lovely person she once was then nothing will.
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Separate From Lifting
As for the third kick in the butt, separation, I would ban her from working in the industry that she scammed for two years and also ban her from entering those establishments as a customer unless she is shackled and accompanied by her re-education supervisor, who has her finger on the trigger for the kill switch that would be implanted into her sinister ganking hands. One wrong move and her arms will be paralysed for a week forcing her to wipe her butt with her toes. If, however, she somehow manages to resist the urge for the entire period, then she can be slowly reintroduced back into the wild with her supervisor remotely surveilling her from the comfort of her Old Bat Cave.
Third Rail Training
The fourth and last prod is positive reinforcement. I would order her to attend weekly criminal dog obedience classes where her trainer will give her Kong Stuffn Ziggues treats in exchange for her demonstrating the skills she is taught that will allow her to go back to living in harmony with other animals. The minimum skills she needs to be taught are: no dry humping the neighbourhood children, no growling at people from Middle Zealand, no ankle biting and digging up dirt on more scrupulous individuals, no begging for money to get her nails clipped and, most importantly, paying for items rather than hitting up the sweet klepto-mania.
Too small a package
So let us compare my recommendations to our current justice system. The magistrate will likely go with some mild Lohan punishment options only. The other measures I’ve proposed aren’t currently available for most crimes and are possibly cost prohibitive, but my point is that we seem to have a major short-coming in the system that assumes people will choose to go straight with only a light spanking; this is a Major Short-Cumming that sometimes seems more obscene to me than a drug-fueled 4 foot 9 inch Grant Denyer in a little German Wehrmacht uniform banging the bosh to erotic films of little people being mounted by My Little Ponies. Survey says: offensively cute.
More separation-from-temptation pie, positive-reinforcement stew and creative-punishment trifle dishes should be added to the punishment menu to make for a more well-rounded justice restaurant. New meals should always be served on a trial basis with a robust feedback system to determine if they help to make society safer, more prosperous and less prone to finding entertainment value from morally reprehensible ‘zany’ radio hosts who make prank calls which end in suicide.
Note that separation is currently used for bogan drink-driving offenses because losing one’s license, as well as being punishment, is separating the bogan from his Martin Riggs Lethal Weapon monster ‘dysfunctional c*nt‘ truck able to maim children more effectively than the average Pakistani ‘bring a Taliban militant to school’ day.
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Has license suspension reduced the deaths resulting from drink driving and beer jug car surfing? Almost certainly. It appears to me to be the fear of not being able to hoon and losing prestigious bogan cred that seems to be more effective than anything else. They may claim that they were just unlucky and they won’t get caught ever again after they sat on the beach drinking rocket fuel and a carton of VB, then drove their Holden LH Toranas at 200km/h down the Gold Coast highway and Pied Piper whistled to other bogans who joined in like they were Jackie Chan and Sammy Davis Jr from the movie Cannonball Run. But behind the bogan bravado is a deep-seated fear of catching the bus and bringing great shame to their 5th generation bogan families whose ancestors arrived in Australia with nothing but 4 jerrycans of petrol and Bruce Spence.
This is the end, beautiful ex-friend, the end of laughter and soft lies
It is possible and I am hopeful that we have some degree of limited free will through some Quantum of Boris Karloff Solace weird brain process that we don’t yet have any idea about. This would mesh nicely with how most of the peacenick voices in my head think humanity should operate: far less afraid of the Nigerian terrorist group Procol Harum and mostly free from guilt over the one time that our Peter Parkers gave in to Aunt May’s advances while Uncle Ben pretended to snore away in the next room.
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Even if we can’t all reach a consensus spectrum of views on free will, the criminal justice system should think Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger about innovative ways to sentence crimes and back it up by collecting evidence and slowly honing the system into a Travis ‘T-Train’ Marx of mixed martial justice. In the case of Baroness Sharon Von Datsun vs her former employer, I find the defendant guilty of 2rd degree corporate belligerence and she shouldn’t fry for her spry fraud crime spree, she should be paddled and fined as a mild low-sud deterrent after a full tits-to-bottom health check. But that is not enough and she should also be given positive reinforcement whistle training after being separated from temptation; knowing full well her brain may rebel.
Whether she has no free will or limited free will or just not enough Leaping Willy in her life, the compassionate hippie formally known as me just can’t help but think she has gone the way of ‘Old Yeller’ and I won’t hesitate any longer. I’ll do the right thing and go and get my go-to-doggie-heaven rifle to mercifully free her from her rabies. And unlike Beatrix Kiddo, let’s hope she can’t one-inch punch her way to freedom from six feet under, then seek revenge on all of us for our alleged mistreatment of her.
Farewell Baroness. Find peace.
“At this moment, this is me at my most masochistic.”
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