Open Letter to Jadmiral Jial Jackbar Jabrams

Dear J. J. Abrams

Praise for Star Wars Episode 7: The Force Awakens

From the bottom of my Great Sarlacc Pit of Carkoon, where the prequels and special editions are finding a new high-definition of pain and suffering as they are slowly erased over a thousand years, thank you thank you thank you for taking on the best/worst movie & dog costume franchise of all time and not rooting it up! There was zero hubris evident on screen and I only face-slapped twice. It was clear that you were systematic about removing all the worst aspects of the Star Wars Universe and just focusing on the good stuff such as Yarna d’al’ Gargan and Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes. Boss Nas was nowhere to be seen and there was a chirpy droid in almost every scene that wasn’t anywhere near as conceited as R2-D2.

I read that George Lucas originally wanted to set episode 7 underwater on Naboo and make it an animated children’s Christmas carol sing-a-long special, so I’m so proud of you that you set your own path away from The Creator’s dark side and into the stunning Reys of light.

The majority of the scenes are sublime and I would challenge anyone to improve on them and remain faithful to the franchise. Of course, no movie can ever be perfect except for Morning Glory starring Harrison Gruff. I realise that I’m a slimy piece of worm-ridden filth, but good ideas can come from anywhere and I have some very minor issues that you’ll be able to easily fix up for the digital release to turn it into a five-star movie. Just call my executive assistant’s personal assistant’s hairy kid we call Wicket to organise a time for you, me and Kenny Baker to meet. But for now let’s just keep spooning the Praise onto your re-hydrated green bread.

Carbonite, Midi-chlorians & Substance Abuse

Your decision to set much of the new trilogy in our galaxy may have been done for budget reasons, but I almost can’t believe how well it worked. It makes perfect sense that after the dark side of the force was defeated single-handedly by the Ewoks at the end of Episode 6, the galaxy started to spin out of balance and the God entity living in the super-massive black hole at the centre started dying. I cried when this entity told the four Anikin Skywalker force-ghosts that they could not leave the galaxy, but their mission was to convince the living Jedi radicals to all freeze themselves in carbonite and head towards a galaxy called the Milky Way.

On top of that, the ghosts were to inform the Force-power-hungry extremists that the force was probably only a thing in their galaxy so they would have to find other ways of keeping the balance and destroying those that opposed them in their new home. So the living did what they were ordered to do then you smash-cutted to Earth and some deeply anguished characters. I cried again when I found out that those of us on Lithium Carbonate were actually from the Star Wars galaxy and our mental illnesses were caused by our Midi-chlorians screaming for their old home.

So you had a new Star Wars movie set in the modern day on Earth with disturbed characters with no force powers. And all the non-human looking beings and droids had to be shape-shifted to fit in and not arouse suspicion which provided even more savings on the limited Disney budget.

After some opening shots, we see Han Solo waking up in a cold sweat with fragments of trauma memories in a flash montage reminding him of the horrors he endured just trying to blend in on Earth as a normal awkward guy married to Calista Flockhart, wearing a creepy earring and scowling at all the haters like my wife that wouldn’t let him get on with his pilot delusions. Blending real life like this with the Star Wars Universe is the greatest idea ever put on film.

Princess Leia as Han’s ex-wife had it really tough and this gave a gritty element to the film that was much needed to break away from the space opera incest-fest. I cried yet again when I saw her crawling around on a Wookie-skinned rug screaming for something to end the pain from her Midi-chlorians that were destroying her immune system. I admire your Womp-rats that you decided that the only way to save her was to find and travel to another galaxy that had a high Midi-chlorian-count Deity running it similar to their old far away galaxy a long time ago before it was destroyed by destroying the dark side. But there was no way to achieve this with Star Wars and Earth 2015 tech.

Disney force-acquires a new franchise

It never occurred to me that the solution to this problem involved time travel from Earth’s optimistic militaristic future. Who in the JJ-verse has the ability to use long range sensors to scan for anything that can push the plot along and send them on a space trip? I guess I could have seen it coming. This was a new Star Wars where anything was possible and you would do whatever it took to maximise the returns for the Disney shareholders.

So it was another genius move to bring in Scotty from Star Trek in his transparent aluminium time machine with Zachary Quinto as Spock riding shotgun to scan the Universe for signs of magical microorganisms rich in the force.

But it gets better. How the hell did you know to hide Mark Hamill in 1983 from public view in preparation for Episode 7 some 32 years later? We all believed that he was gone, but he was busy setting up a new force galaxy during this time and starting to train Jedis; ensuring that slightly less than half turned to the dark side to keep the balance yet guarantee a short-lived happy ending for the guys that we are led to believe are good. Horrible suffering results from the battles between the two sides, but it’s all for a higher purpose to prevent the galaxy from being destroyed like the last one was because Luke’s noble savage bears took it too far like so many extremists do when they get too extreme-y and furry. This is such a beautiful allegory for the human suffering we all endure at the hands of bad directors like George Lucas and Richard Marquand. Without their abominations, the masterpiece episodes 5 and 7 would not have been possible.

And as the end credits rolled I cried for the last time as I thought about what Leia would do to Luke for abandoning her in her time of greatest need. Would she seek revenge or manage to kiss and make up for the sake of Episode 8?

So once again, congratulations for reminding us how wonderful and perfect the Universe is. A Universe where the benevolent BB8 ball droid and the jerk 5D6-RA-7 need to both exist to keep the balance. And Anikin Skywalker had to be played by an annoying kid, a wooden teenager, an ex-stutterer, and a shriveled-up old pale dude.

This will be the greatest trilogy usurping The Blues Brothers from the top as long as we don’t find out that this is all some version of limbo…

May the force be with you and your production team at least for the next two movies which I’m told are to be directed by Zack Snyder and Michael Bay. I was shocked to hear that Ben Afleck would be playing an adult Kylo Ren, but after seeing how wonderful a job he did with Batman, we are in safe hands. I have more concerns about Michael Bay, but if anyone can shape him out of being a robo-pornographic director for twelve year old boys, it’s you J.J. It’s you.

 

Your biggest fan, and Jedi Knight to be, who will manage to become an expert with a light saber in a day with no training and will nearly defeat my half-baked, stroppy, not-a-Sith, Sith Lord possible brother,

Dave Chaffey Hippie

PS Here are some photos of my Star Wars gear that I know you’ll enjoy more than watching Harrison Ford being interviewed.

Troll me under a bridge, you sexy oaf.

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