6 Reasons Why I Should Win A Gold Logie

Warning: If you’ve somehow stumbled on this hoping for a light, fluffy & well-moisturised ego-stroker of an article about how wonderful Australian TV is, please go back to wherever you came from. I grew here; you flew here to my blog so let my Border Force thugs turn back your sea plane and you can fly right back to watching old re-runs of Yasmin’s Getting Married.

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Waleed Ali on casual Friday interviews some academic scholar in a suit who calls himself Nazeem Hussain

6 Reasons Why Quality Journalism is Dying, Mark Latham is Crying & Islamic State loves Blow-Driving

The turgid newspaper article entitled ‘6 Reasons Why Waleed Ali Shouldn’t Win A Gold Logie‘ published a while back, was a seemingly failed attempt at satire suggesting that the host of Channel Ten’s The Project panel news show actually SHOULD win the Gold Logie. But I couldn’t tell and I’m not the only one who was more confused than Grant Denyer without his vitamin gummies with added ‘extra special’ ingredients. The writing in the article made less sense than the Royal Australian Mint and completely missed the Mark.

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“Quick! The matchbox race car driver needs more of his ‘medicine'”

Even Latham can write better than this despite his deeply pathetic insecurities over being a lonely, bored & sexually unsatisfied house-husband who sun-bakes topless in the back yard and fantasizes about his neighbours letting him blow them to soothe himself back to sleep whenever he’s having a PTSD flashback. I can imagine how difficult it would be for the average megalomaniac to go from almost becoming Prime Minister to being a national media-whore punch-line. Was he all along more hopless than the paralysed bunny rabbit Warren Whiskervic rolling around in a wheelchair from the movie Born on Watership Down on the Fourth of July? I hear he’ll be doing a song and dance number at this year’s Logies from the upcoming musical version of Once We Were Warriors alongside Clive Palmer, Tony Abbott and Axle Whitehead.

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“I was once a warrior, now I’m a sad potato”

There were heaps of all-too-predictable backlash articles published in response to the ‘6 Reasons’ article, but the ‘Dangerous’ Logies are on this Sunday co-hosted by Tara Brown live from Lebanon. In a few days, someone not from a European background might actually win the Gold. That would make me happy as it’s yet another sign that the shackles of the White Australia Policy are loosening. But let’s not pretend that Logies are only won by outstanding individuals who are breaking down harmful cultural barriers by demonstrating that most people are fundamentally much the same and also pointing out the appalling destruction reigned down on large swathes of humanity by irrational vilification of the ‘other’. We’re talking about the flailing TV industry here, and most of the people in the room would set themselves on fire and sing the theme tune to Hey Dad!, all while giving Kim Jong-un a furious handjob, purely for the ratings.

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Kimmy loves his bang-bang from Prue Macsween

On Sunday, will Channel 9’s 60 minutes again win the cash-in-a-paper-bag Logie, sculpted from Kerry Packer’s fossilised truffle & cavier sh*ts, but with the added bonus this year of a touch of M by Mariah Carey perfume, for the most egregious, immoral and arrogant cheque-book journalism? This would make it thirty years in a row I think.

60 Minutes will win next year too if they can pull off their most impressive man ever, Charles Wooley, and embed him in Islamic State territory in order to bring home and personally deprogram all the Australian Ginger Jihadists with his mailbag segments that have have long been coded with pro-Western pro-capitalist pro-Sonia-Kruger subliminal propaganda. Predictably, ‘the cuddly sheep’ will be captured. Then, the ratings will keep Channel Nine alive for years when he’s saved from live-stream beheading at the very last minute by the holy cheque-book along with a quick call to Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi from the glorious leader of our caliphate, Jamie Packer. The Islamic State children with guns will be jumping for joy and yelling “Oh, What a God is Great Feeling” at the thought of 10,000 more Toyota trucks built tough for real alpha men and able to withstand the direct impact from 3 homosexuals and their gay goat dropped from a 10 storey building.

So forget about our socially-awkward Nobel Prize winners and the impending suspension of the Walkleys for outstanding journalism, what we really care about is whether the Iraq-Syria War is going to win the Logie for Human Suffering Light Entertainment.

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The Emergence Starts Now is a pretentious World Peace movement, with extreme delusions of grandeur, created by the mentally-ill, misanthropic Founder, Dave Chaffey Hippie. Our publishing bunker produces articles and other content designed to be absurdly humorous and to brainwash our followers away from polarising extremism. Let’s move towards living flourishing lives that minimise harm not only to people who share our love of Germaine Greer & dirty hippies, but also to rehabilitating the pathetic, failed narcissistic alphas who lie, cheat, smash us in the face, call us “loose c*nts”, then have their protectors swoop in, blame the victims and ‘fix’ all the ‘problems’ using a strict zero-empathy approach to those outside the in-group.

Perhaps we can move towards a global, post-capitalistic, secular, pluralistic but non-ideological, just, environmentally-sustainable society. Our missions and mantras can be easily followed by all non-extremist humans with a functional prefrontal cortex.

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