Our Dear Children, the amazing Australian tax payers,
Everything is great! We live in such exciting times. Don’t worry if you didn’t see the Leaders Debate held last Sunday (29th May 2016) between the two of us, because the dreamy Madden Brothers were on the other channel. You did the right thing so congratulations!
We, Bill Shorten and Malcolm Turnbull, Opposition Leader and Prime Minister of Australia, will quickly summarise for you, in this joint statement, what we communicated to you all during the leaders debate, between our spoken words and our subliminal messages, to ensure that Australia remains prosperous, innovative and our borders remain secure, as long as you vote for our party, the Labor-Liberal-National-Party-Glorious-Omnibenevolent-Duopoly (LLNP-GOD).
It hurts us to say that there has been some grossly distorted commentary that we both performed poorly, by some media state traitors seeking attention. This of course couldn’t be further from the truth. To suggest anything of the sort is treason and these commentators are handing themselves into the authorities for some intense re-education as we write this. They are coming to the realisation that they have a problem and we’ll do everything we can to cure them!
You can’t just listen to our words; you need to understand our messages which were clear to all but a few.
In the interests of completely making things clear to anyone still in any doubt, this joint statement will prove to all Australians that we are in total control, know exactly what we’re doing, and can be trusted 100% to continue to lead our great country hand-in-hand; with some affectionate banter from time-to-time about our small differences to show how much we Aussie blokes love each other.
Message from Bill & Mal #1:
We couldn’t have put this clearer. Please don’t think, for the sake of your health. You might damage your brain enough to vote in the upcoming Australian federal election for someone who is a traitor. Someone who has untreatable mental retardation and doesn’t belong to the Labor-Liberal-National-Party-Glorious-Omnibenevolent-Duopoly (LLNP-GOD). We can’t emphasise this enough: Traitors must be on the ballot paper to appease our foreign trading partners and investment deities who bless us with treasures and expect little in return other than stable Australian democracy and capitalism free from cancerous regulations and project-destroying environmental protections.
The minor party and independent traitors are hand-picked from our offshore detention mental asylums for their dangerous anti-establishment ideas; to give the illusion of choice without any legitimate alternatives to the LLNP-GOD. Experts agree that this is the only way to keep the majority of Australians happy little Vegemites.
Repeat the slogan whenever you’re struggling and a thought might be coming that traitors could do a better job at running the country than the LLNP-GOD.
- We’re happy little Vegemites, as bright as bright can be
- We all enjoy our Vegemite, and The Greens are just crazy
- Our mummy says that Xenophon’s loopy, & every single PUP
- Because we love our Vegemite
- We all adore our Bill & Mal
- They put a rose on every cheek
- LLNP is the only option for me! G-O-D!
Message from Mal & Bill #2:
If you can’t help it, only THINK JUST A LITTLE!
Thinking, even for a few seconds will cause you excruciating pain and may lead to permanent brain damage, so seek medical attention immediately. The doctors will relieve your pain with medicated doses of old ‘Kingswood Country’ episodes and then test for any permanent productivity impairment (PPI). Remember, if you keep having lapses of thinking, and your PPI reaches 17, you will need to volunteer to be deported and placed in an offshore detention mental asylum for your own health and safety. The highly trained guards & abortionists will do everything they can to make you comfortable and find a cure so you can return to Australia and reclaim your citizenship rights as a tax payer.
All of us must remain calm but vigilant. If we venture outside our safe areas, we might meet a traitor who has had an undetectable chip installed in their brains to allow them to think with reduced pain and less than 17 PPI so they don’t have to volunteer to be deported. Studies have shown that these so-called ‘Limitless’ chips do not keep working indefinitely and within a few months give the owners incurable brain cancer.
Do not let anyone convince you that voting for a minor party is the right thing to do to keep ‘the bastards’ on their toes and it’s far easier than shopping at Aldi instead of the Coles/Woolworths conglomerate. It is a fact, backed up by the IMF, that no one but the LLNP-GOD has the ability and cool sanity to perfectly manage our economy, make the tough-love decisions and steer us along the prosperous golden-brick road to the surplus of Oz.
Message from Bill & Mal #3:
BE VERY AFRAID OF ILLEGAL BOAT PEOPLE & ILLEGAL TAX DODGERS! But trust politicians with your lives!
If you are furious that all migrants are illiterate, innumerate, pansexual terrorists who can’t even sing God Save The Queen, you are a perfect citizen listening to all our messages. You will be rewarded with extra political advertising to enjoy on your TV during the current campaign and beyond. LLNP-GOD ads are a proven aphrodisiac too, so get working on making more little Australians with whomever you can find who is politically compatible in your neighbourhood, so we can reach our goal of zero immigration by 2020.
If you’re at all concerned about the absolute need for offshore detention of illegal boat people and all Australians who don’t pay tax, you must let us convince you that offshore detention is the only possible humane policy. You must trust us that there are absolutely no other alternatives. Boat people come to Australia to cause you harm. If pensioners, unemployed & the handicapped stayed in Australia they would destroy our flourishing economy. They are a burden and would only worsen our deficit.
Keep in mind that Illegals and tax-dodgers all hate our freedom and the dignity we get from working for ourselves and our country. In offshore detention, these dangerous people are safe, and we are kept safe in Australia. It is the only evidence-based harm minimisation policy that scores full marks when run through our Keep Australia Safe Multi-Criteria Analysis Super-Computer (KASMCASC). This computer is never wrong as was demonstrated by its record-breaking performance on Family Feud: Border Protection Week, alongside its lead programmers Philip Ruddock, Peter Dutton & Amanda Vanstone.
Grant Denyer: We surveyed 100 great Australian tax payers and ask them to name one thing they associate with ‘boat people’. And the survey says:
- Throwing children overboard
- Stealing our jobs
- Threatening our way of life
Message from Mal & Bill #4:
Above all, please, please, please, whatever you do, DON’T THINK TOO MUCH!
“When cleverness and knowledge arise great lies will flourish. Those who have knowledge, are miserable and un-Australian. Those who are proudly ignorant, live in a state of perfect bliss and are True Blue Dinky Di Aussies”
Ancient Australian Proverb from Banjo Paterson’s ‘The Man Who Broke-In Wogs From The Snowy River Scheme to be True Australians’
Blissful ignorance is nothing to be ashamed of!
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It is the single most important factor for boosting your work productivity and it is vital for our continued economic growth into the future for all eternity. You mustn’t worry about the details of company tax, superannuation, negative gearing & politicians’ late-night entertainment benefits. Leave it up to us to carefully consider what’s always best for you! The best and most cost-effective policies always make it through; like the same-sex marriage plebiscite. Independent economic modelling has 100% proven that this plebiscite will lead to a 1% boost in the economy from sales of Bibles and butt plugs by both the for and against sides. If Bill convinces me, Malcolm, and we instead change the law without the plebiscite, then we’ll also legislate that gay couples purchase the equivalent number of Bibles and butt plugs to give the same 1% boost. So either way, Australia wins!
We only live to serve you
Always remember, we do the thinking so you don’t have to. We humble politicians have to endure extraordinary agony by thinking too much and we accept that we’ll be walking vegetables for the last 20 years of our life who can only be wheeled around to endlessly repeat old speeches and stories. But we are brave public servants doing a job that must be done. We would love to be one of you and we often fantasise together while sipping on the fermented tears of Indian toddler coal miners in our private jet about how wonderful it would be to struggle to make ends meet. But we can’t enjoy your privilege. Only you can know true happiness and we are envious.
We must continue to do our jobs so we can maximise the number of Real Australians living in blissful ignorance. It is our sacrifice for you and requires extreme empathy to feel the pain of any Australian tax payer with our pollie-sense and pollie-swoop down to fix them so they can get back to working and keeping Australia great.
Please don’t feel sorry for us. We don’t need your thanks or your worship. We do our duty for you to make you all happy little Vegemite tax payers and that’s all the reward we could ever need.
Your loving two proud Aussie Dads,
Malcolm Turnbull & Bill Shorten
PS. Team Madden to win The Voice this year for the first time! 2016 will be finally their year!
Please note that this article is no-thought political satire and fully complies with the Protection from Subversive Materials Act 2012 Clause 42 Subsection DA: Allowable Exceptions. I’ll also post a YouTube video of my dog barking these messages in his Chewbacca costume; in case attorney general Mike Goldman is still concerned that I’m exploiting the spirit of the act and may be pushing a traitorous agenda.
You can follow The Founder, Dave Chaffey Hippie on Twitter, Facebook group,Facebook page, Vine, Tumblr, Pinterest, Instagram and LinkedIn. Or maybe just put your phone down for a minute or two and practise your mindlessness meditation required for your brain to cope in a world it was never designed for.