How do you decide who to vote for?
Without quantifiable decision-making procedures for voting, we are more donkey-ape hybrids than humans
The Australian Federal election is almost over and there’s just one more painful kidney stone to force out of your urethra, if you haven’t been lucky enough to vote already. After the weekend, we can all breathe a sigh of relief and relax, knowing that our country is in the safest and most capable hands, until the next round of leadership speculation starts to cause some more calcification build-up. The Coalition looks like winning (my prediction is 88 seats in homage to the year of our great invasion), and the LLNP-GOD will once again keep the Star Wars aliens, belonging to parties of scum and villainy, from holding any power in the Cantina of Representatives. The Senate Palace is another issue entirely, and I’m predicting that Salacious B. Crumb and Pote Snitkin will wreak havoc and throw Nick Xenophon to the Rancor.
Voting in 13 simple steps:
This is how you should vote, based on a rudimentary multi-criteria decision analysis (MCDA). If you can’t follow the steps, it’s okay, we still love you. The pillow I’m holding down on your face will help you breathe.
(not all steps required for senate voting)
Talk to candidates
- If you can, ask candidates if their personal views differ from their parties’ policies, and ask how, in detail
- If they won’t talk to you, remind yourself that you are an even more insignificant speck in the Universe than those wishing to rule over us
- Pick deal-breaker policies that automatically disqualify candidate belonging to that party, due to likely avoidable harm
- eg science denier, cis-gender Caucasian
- Pick top 17 issues
- Determine your ideal policies in brief 100 page memorandum
- eg climate change, your neighbour’s cardboard rotting outside breeding mice
- Devote one day per party to memorise all policies
- End each day with extensive testing, assessed independently by tri-gender dominator, using flagellation punishment as extra motivation
- Throw out candidates who trigger deal-breakers
- Send apology letters to candidates and party presidents with detailed explanation of reasoning
- Request further evidence from candidates that might remove them from bottom list
- Determine voting order of banished candidates based qualitatively on how divorced from reality they are / their parties are
- eg marriage is exclusively between a man and his male motor vehicle, political correctness leads to female impotence
- Give rough scores for each remaining candidate, for each issue, between -10 and +10 by comparing policies
- relative score more meaningful than absolute scores
- eg -10 for everybody who gimped the NBN, +10 for sadists who get off on duopoly inhumane off-shore detention policy
- Decide whether all issues should have equal weighting
- Or whether, eg keeping negative gearing is ten times more important than legalising same-sex marriage
- Calculate the total scores, factoring in weighting
- Obtain raw preferences
Sensitivity analysis (& risk analysis)
- Conduct detailed sensitivity analysis
- Investigate what it would take for preferences to change by adjusting every permutation of scoring
- Check if worst top scorer is still better than least-bad bottom candidate
- eg Pirate Party may actually be better than Ninja Party
- Conduct brief risk analysis. Your vote likely doesn’t matter so this step can be skipped for 90% of voters for the House of Representatives.
- Consider whether there are any other factors that could modify preferences
- eg some politicians have been known to lie occasionally, candidates’ special party tricks, other policies such as a lard tax, unconscious bias like misandry
Lock up candidates
- Lock in preferences
- Tell everyone why your system is perfect
- Post Youtube video explaining why you are an omni-benevolent superior being devoid of ego and irrationality who should be undemocratically selected as first president of Republic of Australia
Vote no root-ups
- Fill in ballot paper correctly
- Quadruple check with your multiple personalities
- Post or insert vote
- Celebrate your democratic right to vote like a rugby league player who ‘doesn’t give a f*ck, and doesn’t have a sexuality‘
Simple to follow, right?
It’s only taken me 8 weeks to complete this process, so you really don’t have an excuse. If you haven’t started, get your team of $5/hr Filipino workers to start crunching the numbers. Just remember to remind them that we don’t want a leader in Australia who believes he’s Judge Dredd.
Voting is not worth stressing you out
If it’s all too much for you, find someone who shares your values and know a little about politics to help you get just a bit informed. If that’s still too much bother, then just informal vote. It’s sacrilegious to suggest this, but there isn’t anything wrong or immoral with writing nothing on the ballot papers, then folding them up, cramming them forcefully in the over-filled slots and feeling pleased with yourself; knowing that at least you didn’t accidentally vote for a party with a dishonest name, like the Health Australia Party, who are potentially more dangerous to Australians than ISIS.
Please don’t vote or enter politics if you have been diagnosed with BADCDD
Others will judge you, like this Labor party true believer, but mainly because she knows that younger people could tip the balance to Kill Bill and his team of crack assassins. Likewise, have you ever wondered why the LNP bother to keep old people alive when they are a burden on the economy? It’s all because of voting demographics. As people get older in Australia, in general, their IQ drops gradually, as does their empathy, until they reach the tipping age where they swing to the right on the political spectrum. This is only considered to be mentally unhealthy and potentially dangerous in rare circumstances when the afflicted individual’s IQ drops below 70 in their early adulthood and their empathy inverts so they start to get pleasure from people’s suffering who are outside their group, and are also traumatised by being exposed to outsiders’ happiness, free of persecution and bigotry; what experts now refer to as BADCDD (Bernardi Anti-Diversity Cognitive Deficit Disorder).
Afterword: leave genital jokes to professional gynecological and urological comedians
Donkey dong votes are not the highest form of comedy; no matter how funny you think they are. The volunteer vote counters do not have the time to roll on the floor laughing at every single crude genitalia squiggle. You can be fined up to George Christensen’s monthly gay-for-play pocket-money if you trigger a recount and prevent the result being determined before Antony Green’s beddie-byes time.