7 Steps to fix our future: Australian Federal Election 2016



Step 1: Hide and fantasise

Let’s hide under our doonas for a while and slow dance. You may fantasise about whichever politician takes your fancy. I’d love to be platonically spooned by Senator Penny Wong, but you might love to have the sweet nothings of trickle-down economic rationalism man-splained to you by caretaker Treasurer Scott Morrison.

scott morrison.jpg
Mr Smuggle-upagus (ScoMo) yearns to one day again use children’s lives as bargaining chips like he did in his glory days in 2014

Step 2: Sing along

Click on video below to listen to a song of grace and atonement, with Mary Magdeline played by Grandma Bill Shorten, Jesus Christ Superstar played by Grandpa Malcolm Turnbull, and Judas played by Greens Leader Great Uncle Richard Di Natale.

Step 3: Pray to GOD

Repeat the following prayer 76 times. Close your eyes and breathe deeply.

“For this new Canberra morning with its shimmering Lake Burley Griffin laced with immunity-boosting fracking waste-water, For Cory Bernardi’s conservative revolution rowing away into obscurity, For weekend work and penalty rates for the under-class, For Medicare privatisation and taxing junk food, for same-sex love and cross-benchers. For everything Thy goodness sends, We thank Thee, dearest Australian Federal Mother-Brain LLNP Glorious Omni-benevolent Duopoly. Amen.”

See how much better you feel?

Step 4: Fantastical Story-Time

Listen to some bed-time fairy tales about illegitimate kings and beautiful princesses. While the political mother brain is in a temporary-induced coma, and the AEC mega-biologists systematically examine every cell under their microscopes to determine which brain-hemisphere will be in control for the next three-ish years, all the little Bolt and Crabb brain parasites will contrive their steady stream of fantasies, based only in their carefully demarcated micro-biome kingdoms, filtered through their bias-screening ion-channels. They transmit these simple narratives, which are easily digestible to their dependent, insatiable drones when they wake up and need to be lulled back to waking sleep. Our brains are woefully inadequate at understanding and coping with raw reality. So unless we can maintain true Zen apathy, we need these stories, based on classic templates, and loosely inspired by actual events, as much as we need food, water, shelter and comic ridicule of Hansen-B-nar-dolt-ism.

A healthy level of nonsense gives most people some comfortingly vague delusions of answers to the following:

  • Why is Brady Halls?
  • Why is Malcolm’s future more uncertain than a VIP guest at the Manus Island legalised rape and luxurious sauna NDA treatment resort?
  • Why can’t everything be solved by the wisdom of Cory Bernardi’s bigot-fueled good-old-fashioned common-sense?
  • Why is the randomness of the Universe so depressingly unfair to former Collingwood president Eddie McGuire?
  • Why does our democracy have to rely so heavily on the pageantry of deceit, voter Jedi-mind-tricksy psychological manipulation, and transparent high-school debating techniques?


  • Why does anyone listen to Andrew Bolt? His fairy tales are so divorced from reality; yet some people take them seriously. He seemingly has no qualms about feeding on the souls of his vulnerable suckling drones, who get emotionally addicted to his fear-of-change tribalistic outrage-porn heroin and believe all of his hysterical hyperbole that is less believable than Young Earth Flintstonian Creationism?
    • If he cared about his children and their future, he would stop his hate-preaching that is tearing this country apart.
    • Islamic extremism is a problem and we need to be vigilant, without triggering people’s innate xenophobia, and destroying the proven success of a multi-cultural Australia.
    • If he actually is self-aware, then he is evil. If he is not self-aware, then he is more stupid than me, and I have cognitive impairment.
    • Andrew’s children did nothing to deserve a megalomaniacal father and I’m so sorry. I would gladly teach his children some critical thinking skills to reduce the likelihood of them repeating the sins of their father.
Annabel Crabb, national treasure, who preaches empathic love towards even the most repugnant politicians, tells an inspiring tale of 300 E. Coli warriors in her gut who bravely fought off an invading gang of a Persian strain of 300,000 E.coli soldiers. The invading gang belonged to Sam Dastyari’s lima bean stew. You can actually hear the battle taking place on Sam’s episode of Kitchen Cabinet.

Step 5: The pulsating mega-brain of politics

If we can handle something just a smidge more big-picture than Annabel Crabb’s gut bacterial fancifully florid flora flourish and Andrew Bolt’s ‘Leave Britney Abbott Alone‘ viral YouTube video (to which I have given a score of 9/30 for its proximity to reality), how about we try to switch off our political bias more completely than the ABC presenters manage, and consider the larger ramifications of the current Australian political state of affairs, and where we might go from here?

Or maybe this is just my own fairy tale that might make you feel at one with the Universe or ready to join One Christian Nation Under God Crusading Against Islam, Asians and Climate Change. How many hickots (hick-bigots) must a leader undermine his principles for, before you can call him PM?

Our two-face is a lot less evil than Batman’s nemesis

Dearest Mother-brain: don’t believe those poisonous parasites

I’m pleased to report that you haven’t just had a giant-massive Saccular-aneurysm causing sub-arachnoid hemorrhaging in your LNP-right-hemisphere frontal-lobe. Your ultra-right hemisphere tumour meurons have not metastasised. You just need to get a mild infection of yellow swamp fever treated and have a few minor bernardiopsies performed.

Am I claiming that the Australian federal political living machine is a mega-brain, far superior than the sum of its parts, formed by the aggregate of hundreds of puny human MP brain-cells? It seems like a possibly useful metaphor, don’t you think? Apologies to the few lame ducks reading this who aren’t knowledgeable about the minutia of political convocational-narsty-cissism theory and sapiens lobistic neuro-toxic multi-realizable cognitive anatomy.

To elaborate further and stretch out the metaphoric sphincter as far as it will go, the LLNP-GOD (glorious omnibenevolent duopoly) mother-brain is an emergent property of all the individual meurons (moronic-politician-neurons) who can barely function by themselves. But by their impotence combined, somehow they manage to come together and form the high-functioning federal political giant network that protects us, comforts us, surrounds us, painfully penetrates us with tax hikes for our own good without our consent; it binds the country together, and it promises us dignity with eternal superannuation for all.

Pan-sexual atheist campaigner and adopted Australian Miley Cyrus protects us all from perverted Christian and Muslim bigots
  • There are 2 hemispheres of the mother-brain connected by a schizophrenic bridging Fusarium-oxymoron-wilted-green-banana-shaped corpus-callosum.
  • There are 3 Hemsworth spheres orbiting the mother brain and defending it against the perversion of American evangelical bigots, who make Pauline Hansen seem as progressive as Fiona Patten of the Australian Sex Party
See how many times today you can casually drop the term ‘corpus callosum’ into conversations

Leftie Commie Cuba-Glorifying Hemisphere

  • The left hemisphere contains mostly Labor and Green meurons who are responsible for:
    • bleeding-empathological-syndrome
    • moral relativistic Lord Voldemort disorder
    • altruistic charity self-destructive behaviour
  • Much of which is counter-intuitive because the Labor meurons are spawned from cytotoxic union-T-thug lymphocytes.

cory bernardi.jpg

Right Fascist Godwin’s Law Enthusiast Hemisphere

  • The right hemisphere contains mostly LNP meurons who are responsible for:
    • the god-complex that is vital to cause avoidable harm to a few homosexuals and refugees, who are on the slippery slope to bestiality, for the sake of the moral majority
    • greed is Gordon-Gecko-ism
    • homeless-trickle-down-pant-leg economic myth
    • entitled elitism with no insight into undeniable incompetence
    • slowing progress down to reduce non-zero risk of rapid change being destructive or misunderstood and causing proletariat-cell rejection and suicidal ejection of mother-brain
scott ferret 2
Even the most gentle ferret may hiss and bite if you counter-attack them with hatred and bigotry for their own far more destructive bigoted extremist hate because they feel a tiny loss of undeserved power and privilege
  • Both hemispheres have been struggling with energy expenditure recently. We really don’t want to lose our AAA Scomo-ferret discredit rating
  • The two sides thrive when differentiated from each other sufficiently so that only one hemisphere is in control at any one time. The mother brain will need to work on re-instating this difference that was previously clear. Signals from both hemispheres have recently been almost impossible to distinguish; giving us ataxia.
  • Executive function is regularly switched back and forth between hemispheres to keep both sides healthy and energetic and give ample time when not in charge to remove any well-meaning but dysfunctional cancerous Turnbull cells or administer any anti-Bernardiotics
TT5A Shuttle Pedestal Cased HD bolts
These bolts smashed concrete apart leaving it fragmented; Will Andrew Bolt smash the Liberal Party apart leaving it beyond repair? 

Many believe one of the two hemispheres, the right, is currently dying from a large malignant tumour or has suffered an aneurysm meaning that Australia will never be the same flourishing organism ever again, but we have been through this before and survived. The right hemisphere is still operating above the functional threshold for the LNP, which is lower than the left hemisphere, as the right lacks killer-T-thug-cells. The zealous tumours on the right side are small-minded and removable, and there is a chance that the remaining meurons can all band together for the sake of the health of the entire brain. We will get through this, as long as the media parasitic brain worms don’t reach the executive lobe and cause king meuron apoptosis, and as long as the most dangerous tumour with bright red cilia isn’t provoked into metastasizing.

Can you spot the George Christensen fatty amaloid plaque?

Step 6: Let’s live in these exciting times and return to living like it’s 1956

We may be heading to a result that the Bob Katter extremist meuron in the corpus callosum bridge between the two hemispheres will be the Prime Minister’s 75th puppet master in our coming banana republic. As antagonistic to reason and evidence as they are, remember that 1 in 3 Australians still want to live in the past; the pinnacle of human civilisation when our common sense and traditional, righteous Christian values dictated that:

  • People with non-white skin had to accept the ‘science’ proving their significantly lower IQs and inability to lead moral lives without the tough-loving guidance from their white masters
  • Husbands could freely rape their wives regardless of how vocally and forcefully they did not give consent
  • Smoking was healthy and cigarettes included added radioactive coal dust for a milder flavour
  • Sodomites were thrown in prison with all the other sodomites and gomorrahs; never to be released; and fed salty brimstone in strict accordance with Christian law


Step 7: Back to the future without the Great Scott Morrison

But the mother-brain will be cured of these aggressive cancerous meurons and it shall overcome. After this current regression into childish narcissistic rage and name-calling, we will go back to the future and where we’re going, we don’t need roads. We will continue the fine-tuning of the LLNP benevolent anti-bigot tyrannical mother-brain duopoly, edging slowing closer and closer towards an egalitarian post-capitalistic environmentally-sustainable virtual global Gaia-brain-network, free of any traces of Erica Abetzapply peanut butter to the gums to make him talk‘ tribalism.

How will we get the parties back up and pumping after being gate-crashed by Queenslanders who still think Kim-Joh-Bjelke-Petersen, Chairman of the Workers’ Party and Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Queensland was infallible and incorruptible?

#1 MP bigotry entrance examination and continuous monitoring

By administering a test for all current MPs and all future election candidates, that assesses critical thinking ability, empathy level, degree of bigotry and amount of economic-acumen. If politicians are immune to evidence on political matters, then they can’t be in parliament. If they continue JAQing off (just asking questions), when we already know the answers, that is manipulative and deceitful, and they will be forcefully ejected if they don’t stop.

This is a rational initiative, based on harm-minimisation principles and no different to the logic that Central Queensland MP Georgey-Porgey-Poverty-Poo Christensen is a repressed inter-sex poly-pan-romantic who needs to be honest and come out to his constituency or leave politics and go and hide in his cuddling-orgy-closet.

Would it benefit society more if I ate a filet-o-fish or if I ate a Peter Dutton fried tongue burger?

#2 Five-seat minimum majority

By requiring a 5-seat minimum majority in both houses to prevent one person who doesn’t watch or read the news from ruling Australia from his banana-leaf and gun-powder hut in Northern Queensland

#3 Surveillance on radicalised MPs

By installing surveillance cameras in all conservative bathrooms and psycho-sexual child-refugee-torture dungeons beneath Peter Dutton’s office in Canberra

#4 Royal Commission into Bolt-Abbot-ism

By holding a royal commission into whether the Cult of the Bolt-Abbott power-bottom is a harmful religion or a harmful political ideology

Dave july1979
Luke Skywalker had the force ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi. I have the far more powerful ghost of my patriachy-smashing great-grandmother Edna to guide me

“We will decide which critical thinkers are chosen as candidates to enter our parliament. The Christian bigot budgie-smugglers must be stopped.”

Dave Chaffey Hippie, 2016 speech announcing new pro-critical-thinking anti-extremism party called ‘Bigots out of parliament’ or BOOP

After the great dogmatist purge (GDP), the mother-brain right hemisphere will refill with Eeurons (Enlightened politician neurons) and all policies will be maxi-big-the-evidence-based and mini-small-the-force-ideological-juju-bunks. My party will have no aspirations of power; other than keeping our political brain healthy. Two Federal BOOP Senators will be more than sufficient to keep out the bigot people by pushing for a turn back the bigots policy combined with offshore re-education.

Join me and together we will ensure that Australia will survive longer than Jamie Briggs’ political career

jamie briggs
So long Jamie, and thanks, Rebekha, for fulfilling my wish. You’ve been poisoned, Jamie, by some Sharkie, dipped in Mayo, garnished with the finest marble chips and piercing Hong Kong fish eyes.

You can follow The Founder, Dave Chaffey Hippie on Twitter, Facebook, Vine, Tumblr,Pinterest, Instagram and LinkedIn. Or just continue to scream at whomever you blame for the delayed election result, and post daily blog articles endlessly repeating the same points that you are convinced that the whole system is completely broken and the end is nigh. It’s bound to help.


2 thoughts on “7 Steps to fix our future: Australian Federal Election 2016

Troll me under a bridge, you sexy oaf.

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