Inspiring and Totally Believable Origin Story
In 2015, The Founder of The Emergence Starts Now, Dave Chaffey Hippie, realised that he had serendipitously acquired a new super-power along with his new super-curses: cognitive impairment, chronic fatigue, panic attacks, Aspergers-type symptoms and extreme atypical treatment-resistant melancholia. As we all know, all super-heroes have impairments: Daredevil is vision-impaired, Superman is achingly dull, Spiderman has to juggle web-slinging with his teenage sexual flowering and Batman suffers from affluenza.
Dave Chaffey Hippie had no choice than to become a full-blown super-hero fighting for peace, justice and not the corpulent American way. He picked out a costume, which included a pink headband and sunglasses, wrote up a manifesto and was naturally then asked to join the illustrious super-heroes and wreckers union. But his powers were not conventional: he had gained adult super-ADHD, which gave him the ability to write about serious social issues more humorously than any mere mortal like John Oliver or Ben Carson. Others were shocked by this decision as it doesn’t sound anywhere near as impressive as x-ray vision to see through clothes, astounding fighting skills that never kill or leave any permanent physical disabilities, or an extreme bat-brooding metaphor for fighting depression.
So the union released a statement stating their reasons; primarily that the keyboard is far mightier than the Batarang. Superman can only be in one place at any time no matter how fast he leaps, but Dave Chaffey Hippie can be everywhere. On every smart device around the world, he can positively infect minds with benevolence and joy from his unique writing style that mixes cultural activism, absurdist misogyny humour, head-scratchingly obscure pop culture references and an overly-optimistic futuristic philosophy.
But even super-heroes can’t just print money to keep super-villains at bay. Madame Fatal works as an old-values nanny, Antman is a proctologist, and The Daily Planet shut down so Clarke Kent is a poor blogger now desperately trying to monetise his articles so that he can pay for Superboy’s rehabilitation from smoking ice-infused kryptonite.
Great story, you all might be thinking, but what’s this got to do with my application to the superheroes and wreckers union? Well, I’m afraid to inform you that you are just a deluded mere mortal with no super-skills or super-handicaps or super-doopers, so unfortunately you won’t ever be accepted in the union. This is not legal discrimination, it comes down to a skill-based test; no different to needing to be dull yet scary to work at the post office.
But it’s okay. We can protect you from yourself and your arch-nemesis / mother. We just need your help so we can keep all humanity from falling into a chaos; where extremist capitalists rule the world and shut down all voices of dissent and humour. So support us and our causes by donating to The Emergence Starts Now to keep the benevolent psychologically-manipulative words coming and genuinely help to make the world a healthier, happier and funnier place. And a little extra to help us fight our super-villains would be great too; criminal sociopathic masterminds with laughable disguises like David ‘The Lizard’ Icke, David ‘The Avocado’ Wolfe and Ellen ‘The Negativity’ DeGeneres.
Our content will make it move
Not convinced yet? Read this article about all the wonderful free content produced by us. This all takes us precious time where we could be meditating and medicating on the couch being inspired by the Cake Boss to never decorate cakes, Scotty Cam to never renovate a property and Toddler & Tiaras to abuse our children into being fabulous.
Would you prefer a more conventional presentation that doesn’t mention super-heroes at all? Read more about The Founder’s odyssey through space and time in the 21st century here by tuning into the Global Hive Mind Web.
Need more convincing on the whole concept of giving to charity? Read this article about the wonderful feeling that will bulge in your pants and shirt when you give a tiny percentage of your wealth away to those who entertain and educate you and to those way less fortunate than you. This is why The Emergence Starts Now will give half of what we receive to an approved charity like the World Food Program or Doctors Without Borders. We just love the bulge.
Donate hard and deep right down The Founder’s throat
So surely that is enough convincing to separate some of you from $2 per article you like? How much do you spend on high-class coffee and high-class shemale escorts? Does The Emergence Starts Now not give you far more sustained pleasure with our thought-provoking toilet humour that any coffee-enema escort could?
Is there anything else we can do to psychologically manipulate you to enter your credit card details on Paypal? Do we not cater to your every whim no matter how embarrassing and debasing? Do we not love you more than the shrinking polar ice caps? If our relationship doesn’t meet with your expectations, then perhaps we need some group counselling to lower your expectations and break down the barriers to gifting money to others. But psychotherapy sessions would cost thousands, so how about just gifting us $2 per article that you like and we’ll both save money.
Thank you for taking precious time out of your day to read this. There’s really no pressure to donate, but scroll back up to the top to pledge your allegiance to The Founder and The Emergence Starts Now today! Or just return to the blog or go and watch cats knocking children over.